How to lead through being more patient.

Hello and welcome to The Present Method Blog! My name is Mr. Presentr. The purpose of “The Present Method as Story” is to give you an example of how The Present Method can be applied so you can be less anxious and depressed. This will be accomplished through following a family who has recently lost one of their immediate members through suicide. We’ll follow them on their journey from despair and isolation to that of hope and reconnection, as they learn to accept themselves, their reality, and how to cope with hardship. 

The Family

Let’s start with introducing our family – The Ancrums! The Ancrums are a wealthy (very private) family that live in a secluded area in upstate New York. Meet Ewan, the father, his wife Caroline and their 4 children: Illisa, Amelia, Michael and Ainsley. Ewan is the founder, CEO and Chairman of General Hydrogen, a large energy conglomerate that controls and influences the price of Hydrogen, the main source of energy for the United States. But why The Ancrums? you may ask.

Why the Ancrums?

Ewan and Caroline, the parents of our family, both experienced domestic violence as children, at the hands of their primary caregivers. This early experience with violence put them in a mode of survival, causing them to put greater emphasis on control – control of their environment, others, and themselves – all in the name of self-preservation.

While Ewan and Caroline faced and overcame their violent pasts, the people they had to become to cope with their situations have left them with warped points of view. Their warped perspectives have left them emotionally unavailable to their children. This neglect has put their kids in a space where they (the offspring) avoid negative emotions – leading to the suicide of one of the children, Illisa, which is the ultimate expression of avoidance and violence.

The Ancrum’s history of violence and avoidance puts them in a position where they would get the most out of the peacefulness that The Present Method offers. At the same time, these dramatic examples give us a clear picture of why facing, accepting, and coping with our own negative emotions is so important, and how The Present Method can help us do that.

A few final words before our story begins. The Present Method stories are divided up
into individual scenes with titles and commentary at the end so that you can learn how
to apply it in your life.

Commentaries are broken down into 4 parts:

1. How the family deploys the different qualities we’ve reviewed and their impact on decision-making.
2. The different negative emotions the family may be experiencing, how those negative emotions are handled and with what consequences to their overall mental health.
3. Lessons in leadership
4. lessons we can learn from the scene as a whole.

Scene 1: Loss

“I’ve decided that we should begin family counseling,” Caroline (the mother of our
family) announced calmly one evening as she entered the living room.

“Why?!” her daughter Ainsley exclaimed.

“Why? Because your sister ended her life!”

“So that means we have to talk about it with some stranger we’ve never met?”

“Yes – this has been a horrible few weeks. I haven’t been able to sleep since it
happened.”

“Then why don’t YOU talk to someone?” Ainsley asked derisively.

Amelia (her sister) shot Ainsley a dark look. Caroline scowled at Ainsley, “Watch

your tone, this affects all of us, we shall all go.”

“I don’t see how talking about it and focusing on the negativity is going to help,”

Ainsley returned.

“What about the rest of you?” Caroline asked as she turned and faced the

room.

“I’m not sure how I feel about airing our dirty laundry in front of strangers,” Amelia

shared.

“I’m not sure either,” Michael (brother) added. “Talking with someone about your

problems puts you in a vulnerable position. It’s a sign of weakness that you can’t solve

the problem yourself or at least within the family.”

“What’s wrong with you people?!”

Caroline exclaimed.

Ewan, (who up to this point had sat in the corner and remained silent) matter-of-factly,

stated, “Why don’t we come back to this later, after we’ve had time to process?”

Caroline spun on her heels and walked out of the room. “That’s all everyone” Ewan said. The kids filtered out of the room leaving Ewan to ponder. “Why did she do this?” He asked within himself. Completely baffled by his daughter’s actions.

Character Commentary:

How the family deploys the different qualities we’ve reviewed and their impact on decision-making.

Caroline:- The mother displays openness and courage in her willingness to take a risk and try something new.

Ainsley:- Her response shows avoidance and possibly cowardice, in putting things
back on her mother, basically asking her mother to deal with her own emotions and leave her out of it.

Amelia and Michael:- Both children confuse openness for weakness and vulnerability. Some avoidance and cowardice could be lurking just below the surface.

Ewan: demonstrates patience as he lets everyone speak their minds first and just listens. He doesn’t make any definitive or judgmental statements. He practices curiosity as he wants to know why his daughter did what she did.

How are the negative emotions the family is experiencing handled and with what consequences to their overall mental health?

The primary negative emotion bouncing around the kids is guilt. Guilt over feeling that they could’ve done something to prevent their sister’s death. Instead of confronting those emotions, we see that they avoid dealing with them which is shown by the things they say. If these feelings of guilt are not dealt with effectively, they can contribute to feelings of anxiety and depression.

How? Because of how we are made- the emotions we have and feel are chemicals. When there is too much of the chemicals that make up negative emotion – anxiety and depression appear. Guilt, being a negative emotion can contribute toward feelings of anxiety and depression if it’s not properly addressed. Thus, the kids avoidant behavior puts them on the path toward anxiety and potentially depression.

What lessons in leadership can we learn from Ewan?

Lesson 1: Listen twice as much as we speak.

Effective leadership starts with our ability to take in information from others. Not only does this endear the leader to those who follow him but allows the leader to absorb as much information as he can before making a decision. This quality is especially important when the decision is centered around something emotionally charged, as emotion tends to cause us to act impulsively. Here, Ewan does not allow his personal feelings toward his daughter’s suicide or therapy impact his ability to listen and take in his family’s feelings.

Lesson 2: Suspend judgment.

We want to avoid judging things too quickly. We need to be patient and really think things through before arriving at a conclusion and therefore a decision. Here, we see Ewan suspending judgment until he’s thought the situation through. He chooses not to comment or “take a side”. This is important as both his wife and kids need to feel like they’ve been considered.

Finally, what are some lessons we can learn from the scene as a whole?

1. Avoid sacrificing the long-term for the short-term. When we avoid negative
   emotions or addressing difficult situations, we may feel better temporarily
   but we will suffer more long-term.
2. Negative emotions and trials are a part of life. We should face those difficulties head on and resolve them. Otherwise, there could be unintended or unforeseen consequences.
3. Finally, more often than not our initial reaction or feeling is not the best one. We need to take a step back and think the situation through before making a decision.

The Wrap-Up:

This first scene shows us how different members of the same family can respond to trauma differently. The kids’ avoidance is a sign that they have yet to come to terms with suffering as being a part of life. Caroline accepts and faces suffering while Ewan uses it to his advantage. When we resist the negative emotion that comes along with existing; we can find ourselves suffering even more. Understanding and appreciating this fact is the first step toward making better decisions regarding our health, our past
and our relationships.