How to Resolve Conflict using The Present Method.

What does it mean to be Present?

Hello and welcome to The Present Method. My name is Mr. Presentr and I will be your host to one of the most exciting and innovative mental health services available. We live in exhausting times. People are experiencing anxiety and depression at an alarming rate. Learning how to cope involves being present more often than not. What do we mean by “being present”? We mean being in the present moment. People who experience Anxiety and its big brother Depression spend a lot of time ‘in their heads’ regretting the past, worrying about the future.

Why is being Present important?

All this time spent in our heads can lead to saying or doing things we regret, straining our relationship with others. Strained relationships can lead to personality changes. Changes that include becoming more self-critical, giving up on our goals and a hard time staying positive.

All of this adds up to us being in a negative mental space which may impact our physical health. We may start making choices that may help us feel better in the moment but hurt us long-term like eating a lot of salty, fatty, sugary food or becoming dependent on substances. Being present can help us mentally, emotionally, physically which can ultimately lead to us making better decisions for ourselves.

How do I learn to be Present?

Once we appreciate that anxiety is a problem for the whole person, we need to treat the whole person. How do we address something so complex? By learning how to be Present. Being Present involves learning how to regulate ourselves. Learning how to regulate our bodies, hearts and minds to be in the moment. It’s helpful to think of regulating ourselves much in the same way we think of building a house.

Why regulate my mood?

The first thing we need to do is regulate our mood. This is the foundation of the home. Without a good foundation, the home will collapse. Likewise, without a stable mood our attempts at improving other areas of our life will falter. The four horsemen of mood stability include diet, sleep, water and exercise. Once our mood has been regulated we can then move on to meditation or framing the home.

Why meditation?

Meditation helps us pay attention to the present moment, be calm, patient and open. This is the mindset or correct ‘frame’ we need to have if we’re going to face the world effectively. When we meditate, we are building the frame of our home. We have now effectively regulated our body and mindset. We have the foundation and the frame. While we can agree that the most important components of the home have been assembled.

More is needed if we are going to live there. What do we need to put inside the home to make it hospitable? Or more succinctly, what do we need to put inside ourselves to thrive and make good decisions? This is where the qualities of self-compassion, gratitude, perseverance, honesty, courage, humility and curiosity come into play. Cultivating these qualities within ourselves furnish the home so to speak.

Self-Compassion

Self-compassion helps us not judge ourselves too harshly when we make mistakes. Thereby preventing discouragement from trying again and preventing us from going down a spiral of self-judgment that’s filled with doubt and negative self-talk.

Gratitude

Gratitude helps us focus on the positive, cultivating positive emotion. Positive emotion helps us be calm which helps us avoid impulsive behavior.

Perseverance

Perseverance helps us make the choice we know we should make. Whether it’s avoiding unhealthy food or refraining from telling off a coworker.

Honesty

Honesty helps us to improve our relationship with ourselves and others as we may need to have a difficult conversation with somebody if the relationship is going to continue or improve.

Courage

Courage as we may need to take a risk to improve our lives whether it be applying for that job that we don’t think we’re qualified for, or facing ourselves when we know we’ve made a mistake.

Humility

Humility as we may need to hold ourselves accountable for something we’ve done or to apologize to a friend or family member.

Curiosity

Finally, curiosity. Wanting to see a situation from another’s perspective. Understanding a situation from another’s point of view can help us be calm and handle a situation tactfully.

Why would I want to be Present?

The cumulative effect of these qualities is our feeling better, which allows the inside of our home- ourselves- to be a happier place to live. Now, that the house is finished and we have laid out a roadmap to effectively regulate our body, mind and heart. We must practice! The difficulty in the practice comes from the judgment aspect. How do we know which to apply where?

How can The Present Method help me be Present?

The Present Method addresses this challenge in 3 ways. The first, trust yourself. A lot of people, including yourself, Have good instincts. Trust your gut. If you find yourself in a situation where one or more these qualities apply, Lean into that. In addition, meditation will help you get in touch with your intuition. The most successful people in the world use their intuition frequently. Get into that habit.

How can The Present Method blog help me?

The second, “The Present Method Blog” will provide examples, stories, and other relevant information to help you with your practice. Since there is so much that goes into being present, the blog will have two different types of posts. The first type of post will be “The Present Method as Practice” which will focus on the foundation and frame of the home. I.e. diet, sleep, water, exercise, meditation, etc.

The second type of post will be “The Present Method as Story” which will focus on the qualities mentioned. It’s helpful to think of these two types of posts as complimentary. They assist us in applying “The Present Method” in our lives so we do not just survive but thrive. Finally, give us a call and we’ll help you put The Method into action with personalized plans to help you be present and thrive!

How to resolve conflict using The Present Method.

To kick us off, we’ll start with a ‘practice’ post that involves resolving conflict using the process we’ve just outlined. This is the story of Daniel and Theresa. Dan and Theresa are newly married and having some trouble with decision-making as a couple. Now, Theresa wanted to buy a new car because the one they have is getting old and is requiring more and more repairs. Dan, on the other hand does not want to buy a new car because then they’ll have a car payment. Plus the interest rate has gone up making the payments all the more expensive. Theresa, seeing the logic behind Dan’s position went along with Daniel’s plan until one fateful day…

The Expense

See Dan was on his way to work when he started to hear a scraping noise. That same day, Daniel took the vehicle into their auto repair shop. He was told the clutch, the starter, the flywheel all needed to be replaced. 4,000$ to replace everything! His heart sank. Dan knew how Theresa would feel about having to spend that amount. Especially on a vehicle that, in her mind, was on its last legs. Too, he and Theresa had been struggling financially recently.

The Decision

Budgeting was never their strong suit and inflation was eating into their paychecks in a big way. They recently had received a nice gift from his parents; so they had the money. It would get paid off immediately. Dan reasoned within himself that they had the money to pay off the bill. Plus, it was his parents’ money. His money. He should be able to spend it the way he sees fit. Plus, it is still cheaper than buying a new car. Without consulting his wife, he ‘okayed’ the repairs and put it on credit.

The Choice

Do you see where he missed the bus in this situation? He thought in terms of ‘me’ not ‘we’. But ‘logic was on his side’. We’ll see how well that works for him..

Dan walked in the door. ‘Daniel!’ Immediately Daniel’s heart and thoughts began to race. Time began to slow. Now Dan has a choice. Does he do what feels right and become defensive? Anticipating what his wife will say and create a response? Or does he choose to focus, be present and think ahead? Let’s see..

The Argument

‘Daniel!’ Theresa shouted. ‘Yes?’ he asked as calmly as he could muster. ‘What is this charge?!’ ‘I had to get the car fixed. The clutch, starter, flywheel and a number of other things needed to be replaced. And an oil change’. ‘But $4,000 dollars?!’ Daniel took an imperceptible deep breath and said, ‘Yes, it’s still cheaper than buying a new car’. ‘You didn’t even ask me or tell me even!’

Daniel felt his blood pressure rising. ‘I didn’t think it was a big deal. We had the money. The gift from my parents. We didn’t have to use our money’ Daniel returned. ‘What!?’ ‘I’m not going to use our money. I’m going to use my parents’ money’. Daniel said with a slight hint of irritation.

Theresa lost it at this point and began yelling. ‘What do you mean it’s your parents’ money?! It’s our money. We could’ve spent in on something else. You didn’t even ask me or tell me! We could’ve at least had a second opinion. But no! You made a unilateral decision with a chunk of our cash. Like somehow it’s just you and I’m here along for the ride.’ Daniel was starting to get hot under the collar. He kept quiet though.

Daniel’s Resolve

Dan thought about what his person had said about resolving conflict. He took another deep breath and just listened. He thought about what his goal was in this exchange. Did he want to ‘win’ this fight? Did he want to defend himself or did he want to resolve the conflict? He decided to resolve the conflict and let his wife say her peace.

Once she had finished. Daniel said, ‘you’re right. I should’ve let you know what I was going to do beforehand. At the time, spending the money was the smart thing to do. Plus, the money was given to us. I didn’t see the problem. This was the logical thing to do. I didn’t think..’ Theresa wasn’t appeased. ‘..that’s right you didn’t think did you?’ Daniel was having a hard time keeping his cool at this point. It’s almost like she wants to keep fighting. He decided to persevere though and simply focus on what he needed to say next. ‘I didn’t think about how you would feel about such an expense’. Theresa stormed out of the room. Daniel exhaled heavily.

The Resolution

He managed to get through the interchange without losing his cool or making things worse. He felt that he was successful in applying the information he had been learning in therapy. Now, he decided to wait. In the past, he would follow her and try to patch things up as quickly as possible. That never worked out well for him. He would wait until she came back.

He hated waiting. Impatience always got the best of him. Not today. Today would be different. So he waited, felt like an eternity. Finally, Theresa returned a bit less tense than before. ‘So, is the car fixed?’ She asked. ‘Yes’ he said. ‘So, what did you do wrong here?’ She asked. ‘I didn’t let you know what I was going to do before I did it’. Daniel returned. ‘Yes and what will we be doing in the future?’ ‘Giving you a heads up before I spend the money’ Daniel responded. ‘Great’ she returned.’ The conflict was resolved which helped the relationship.

The Observations: How did Daniel stay Present in a stressful situation?

What are some observations we can make about how Daniel handled the situation? 1. He decided to be calm even though he knew it was going to be a difficult conversation. 2. He decided to remain calm even though his wife was upset. How did he do that? by focusing on the present moment and not letting his thoughts swim. 3. He persevered (perseverance) in being calm even though he was feeling the effects of stress- increased blood pressure and feeling hot.

4. He resisted the pull to keep fighting and waited for her to calm down. 5. He was patient and open to what she had to say. 6. Finally, he took responsibility for his decision (humility). In sum, Daniel was able to effectively regulate himself and be present. This one decision allowed him to make more wise decisions. He was able to use the knowledge he already had about himself and his wife to resolve the conflict best.

The Wrap-Up.

Anxiety and Depression are chronic conditions. They can extend over long periods of time. And what is time but a collection of a thousand moments? Moments just like the one Dan and Theresa were in. Dan chose to be present and in so doing fought anxiety and made wise choices.”

When we choose to be present and make good decisions we not only solve our immediate concerns but, over time, reduce anxiety and depression more broadly. In sum, dealing with anxiety effectively involves regulating ourselves, being present and thinking ahead just like Daniel did. Life only ever happens in the present- if we can’t live there, we can’t live anywhere.